Fear, Fear, and More Fear

Don’t you hate four letter words? I really hate this four letter word. FEAR! I think, it’s one of the worse words that isn’t a curse word. It can control you, it can consume you, It can take your very essence of who you are and change you to your very core. These fears can be self-imagined or they can be real. It really doesn’t matter. It’s bad, bad, bad for you. I know, I’m dealing with it right now. It has rocked me to the center of my core. It has the ability to effect everything in your life.

It’s our ability to process our emotions that allow us to fear things. It is debated that in some form or another “fear not” is in the bible 365 times. Is it a coincidence that it would be in the bible 365 times, and we have 365 days in a year? Well, I don’t believe in coincidences.  Fear has so much control over you. It’s the fear of the unknown that really bothers me. Fear is the doorway for Satan to grab a hold of your thoughts and turn them into things that they aren’t. He does not relent in trying to take what you’re scared of and use it against you and your marriage. He will take your thoughts and run with them until you break. I let fear control me too much sometimes. So much that it causes issues between my wife and me. Fear lead to stress, which can lead to health issues. Currently, I very well may be experiencing those repercussions.

Two Thursdays ago I had an appointment with my physician to have my neck looked at. I felt swollen lymph nodes. So this past weekend I had a CAT SCAN done to check into it. When I picked up my results, I was scared and afraid. Fear was grabbing me and throwing me around. When I looked at the findings. MY heart dropped, It only made my brain run. They want to do a Biopsy of the lymph nodes to see if it is cancer or possibly an infection.  But knowing that one word, CANCER  just took that fear level to a whole another level. My Grandfather passed away of cancer. My first thought is my wife and kids, My family. I’ve had such great support from friends and family. I’ve done research into and thankfully if it is lymphoma then it is highly curable. Not only am I dealing with that, But I have a swollen knee that makes it near impossible for me to walk most of the time, sometimes I can slowly walk with a crutch, but with much pain. My knee is so swollen that it looks like a small cantaloupe. I went to the ER the past two nights because of it. They were able to drain some fluid to test it, but it filled up a huge syringe with green fluid. The ER was unable to do anything because they said they didn’t find an infection in my knee. Yet, it takes days to find out if there truly is an infection because the cultures have to grow. So my doctor called me and told me my white blood cell (WBC) was through the roof. Normal WBC count is 4000-10,000 white blood cells per microliter. I was at 25,000 which is cause for concern.  She told me to go to an orthopedic doctor that instant to have them look at my knee. She said the issue is that my knee is showing signs of infection, but they can’t confirm until the cultures come back and that can take up to three weeks. She also said it could be gout in my knee, so she gave me some stronger anti-inflammatory medicine to reduce the swelling. I have a Biopsy for my lymph nodes coming up and that will give me some insight into that issue. 

So with all this, my fear was through the roof. Until, I did one thing. I stood back, I prayed and I gave it to God. When I came home from reading the finding of the CAT SCAN, the first thing I did after hugging my kids and saying I love you, was go into my room and Drop on my knees, even the hurting one and prayed and gave it to God and asked him to comfort me and take my worries. This last week as been very interesting. But with where I am right now. I can say I’m not scared anymore. I’m not in fear. As my wife always tells me “God knows what he is doing.” We may not understand but in the end, we must put our trust in him. We have to let go of what we don’t know or understand and put our trust in him. Can we Trust the people in this world? No, not all the time. Some may think we can. The only person that you should trust and rely on is God.  Becuase if we trust that God will guide our spouse to do the right thing, then by default you are trusting the person, but through god.

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


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